Podcasts

I love podcasts.  I get a lot out of them!  I became a bit podcast obsessed during the height of the pandemic and I attribute much of the personal growth I have had to the conversations I have heard.

Love and understand of self has been a long overdue process for me.  I have worked really hard to get to know and understand myself.  Prior to about 8 months ago, I got ALL of my validation from external forces.  I had been very mean to myself for a very long time.  I had a decent amount of trauma to process and was existing in a really immature mindset.  I had to recognize that I was, in many ways living in a mindset of my 16 year old self.  I was stuck there because of my trauma. Trauma is such a dramatic term that I resisted it for my entire adult life.  BUT, I finally allowed myself to see that becoming pregnant at 15 is TRAUMA and the experience immediately and forever changed my life.  Our brain development is so intense during puberty!  I am immensely proud of my ability to compartmentalize my experience, put it behind me and move forward.  I have used the same technique getting through other difficult things I have experienced.  Having said that, while I gained some coping skills I also began a shame spiral that still challenges me to this day.  

All of this is to say: It is possible to change and grow and parent yourself better.  It is really, really hard and I have ups and downs in my abilities to be kind and accepting of myself, but more days than not my headspace is positive. 

Listening to podcasts and conversations with some of my favorite people whose voices resonate with me serve as little 'tune ups' for self awareness and exploration.

Practically everyone has a podcast these days!  Seek out influential people you like or topics that intrigue you and watch how your mind expands.  

💗

more of the same general bullshit, different day though.

I am a thinker and a feeler often to the detriment of me and my relationship to others.  I wear myself and those close to me out with my worry and need for affirmation.  I have great want and need for connection and largely lack that in the girl friend department.  I recognize that making new friends when you are middle aged is difficult.  Most of my peers are wives and mothers and therefore having a quite different experience than I am.  I am a jealous type and a comparer..  two horrible traits I know.  I had to give up long ago on joining the ranks of motherhood and having a traditional family.  I had my version of family and it ended and I have been picking up the pieces of that for over a year.  I essentially had one supporter during my massive depression and time of transition.  One person who checked on me each day and saw my temporary living space and held me when I was hyperventilating through my pain.  He is now my boyfriend and is a loving presence and all around great man.
He casually dated a close person in my life and their relationship was over when his strong friendship with me began, yet when we began dating I was and continue to be viewed as the bad guy, the man-eater, the bitch who stole a boyfriend and ruined a life.  It weighs on me and makes me question myself all the time.  I want so badly to be the type of person who can say ah well, I can't control your incorrect way of viewing how it all went down, but I am not that person.  I have dwelled and cried and beating myself up for moving on for 8+ months.  My own happiness and peace in life has been sacrificed due to my angst and knowledge that someone else is sad, angry or resentful of me.  I lost a lifestyle I loved, a man I loved and set of friendships in the course of my breakup that will never recover.  I live in a small town and feel largely isolated and ostracized.  It is hurtful and depressing.
I am on attempt # who-the-hell-knows to move on, forgive myself and find a new path.  Each day is new and I can only endeavor to be at peace and send love and forgiveness to the universe for myself and those around me.
I want big conversations about important things in my tiny world and our huge troubled world.  I want my home to be a haven not only for me but for those in my life.  I know that these feelings of wanting to be understood and enjoyed are not unique to me.  I don't fancy myself as someone deep or interesting or magnetic.  Certainly no more so than anyone else.  I am desperate for connection and realness.  I want to be a confidant, friend and partner.  I am a spiritual, hippie, angst ridden monster who is giving and forgiving and weird and funny and broken and whole and missing you and You and YOU.  I love y'all, I love me and I if you need me I am right here.  Ready to shower the people I love with love.  Not in a weird, uncomfortable way, but in the most honest, silly and available way that I can.
This is what is on my heart today.

Sweet sixteen and birthday trifectas

Sweet 16.
The year is 2016 and people are calling it sweet 16 which I am all for. Let's have a sweet 16 shall we?

I didn't have the traditional sweet 16 that most girls have. I was 9 months pregnant at the time and away from my friends and family. It was an odd and shameful time in my life. It largely shaped who I am today. I have no regrets and my son is a nice young man making his way in this world along with everyone else. He was raised by a kind, gentle woman and I am proud to have carried him and brought him into the world for her. No pity party here about any of that.

So I will be happy to have my sweet 16 now.  27 years have passed since I turned sixteen of age and have had a full, semi-charmed life.  I have a funny thing about  numbers and ages. I like the sound of even # ages and ages that end in 5. For instance, I think being 44 (which I will be this year) sounds better than 43.  So each decade, there are 3 years in a row that fit my  number preference. This decade for me it's 44, 45 and 46. So I am about I to  start the age trifecta.  It's silly and I have no idea why this is exciting to me, but there you go.

Happy Sweet 16 to you and to ME.

xo

More of the same.

I feel too much.  I think that is the root of my troubles.  I think and feel and worry and assess and desire answers and it wears me out.  It is detrimental to me and those around me.  I am reminded often by my sweet Hans that most people do not think the way I do.  Not that I am so great, but I spend the majority of my day thinking of other people, what they need, what they feel, what I can do to unburden them.  I self centeredly think others are thinking of me... worrying about me... the way I am about them.  The truth is.. they are not.

That is not to say that others are unkind. Or selfish.  It is just an explanation of sorts on how differently I feel.  It's not saintly, or special... It's burdensome to an extent.

My first/only post of the year was about never having had a bad year.  2015 has been largely a bad year.  I don't know if I brought all the crap of this year on to myself or what.  It really doesn't matter I suppose.  It just came.  A devastating breakup, loss and change of friendships, loss of a job, and a ton of other crappy hassles.  I totally get that everyone has their bag of hammers and that many people would take my troubles over their own any day.  Again with the guilt.

I have forgotten how to be me.  I had a moment today where I remembered my quirkiness and easy-goingness and realized I haven't been that person in a long time.  I have been trying to be very benign.. very neutral.  How sad is that??  To not feel that your true self is interesting, fun, or appealing enough?  I am pitiful... geesh.

Reluctant regrouping is a phrase I coined earlier this year (can I make money off of that?).  It is not the most fun thing to do.  I have had the hardest time reframing my friendships.  Friendships I gave too much emphasis to.  I need to cultivate some new friendships...admittedly not my strong suit.

I need to find my confidence again.  Find my ability to be me.  I need to see myself as worthy, interesting, funny, appealing... I've given all the power to others.  At least some of the power should come from me.

This post has not been funny, light or perhaps even worth the read.  I hope to remedy that in the near future.

xo

On Social Media, A New Year, and not giving a sh*t.

2015 is behaving so well!

I am fortunate to not have had any "bad years".  A whole year of bad would be...well, bad.

I have had difficult times and 2014 had it's share.   I don't really do NewYear Resolutions, but I try to have goals for betterment.  More on that later.

I was thinking recently about social media and it's addictive allure.  I love my twitter, FB, instagram, pinterest, etc.  I use it everyday, sometimes to the point of obsessive.  I often think, I should just quit, cold turkey! I used to survive just fine without knowing what's what.  But then my immediate next thought is that I simply need to know the ins and outs of everyone's (mostly) mundane lives.

This has truly become the norm. We are all able to be "all up in each other's business" without really ever having any face to face time.  That's kinda wacky, right?  But the flip side is "wow! being this connected is awesome!"   I am very grateful for this simple means of staying in touch with so many, but sometimes it feels like I need an intervention.  Perhaps I need to come up with a schedule where I only let myself use social media at certain, strict times.  I dunno, it just seems I am a lot less in the moment than I used to be.

So, back to 2015.  My goal was pretty basic.  I want to just STOP.  Stop being so hard on myself. Stop worrying what others think of me.  Stop thinking I have to be perfect.  Simply put, to Stop giving a shit.  Now, I don't mean that I am going to stop being me.  I'm always going to be generous with my love, I am always going to be emotion and sensitive... And I am always going to want people to get me... so I am likely to continue to over-explain myself.  But in general, Not giving a shit will probably serve me well as a mantra.  

Alright y'all that's all I got!

See ya.. soon I hope!

xo

Sighs.

I am a sigher... one who sighs..

I think sighing is a good thing even though it often comes across to others like something is wrong or bothering you.

For me, I think I sigh frequently because I am a shallow breather and occasionally my body remembers it could use a bit more oxygen and just takes over.  Of course, sometimes I sigh because I am frustrated, exasperated or something.

Today at yoga I was full of sighs.  Deep, exhausting, let it all out sighs.  I couldn't help myself. They just came again and again.  It felt good and by the end of my practice... I felt good.

The good thoughts and optimism continued for most of the day.  Sundays are a great day.  Until the thoughts of going back to work creep in.  Then I get anxious and frustrated and down on myself.  Not because I don't like work, or that I think I am not a good nurse.  I am a good nurse!  I am a nurturer by nature and take my work seriously.  The worries find me because sadly I am in a place where I am not well liked or respected. I am constantly trying to figure out how I can remedy this and I make myself nuts trying to win over colleagues that are not interested in liking or respecting me.  It's exhausting and depressing.  I try to just do my thing... work hard all day long and give kind care to my patients.  But being an island is hard.  Knowing that no one is glad to see you or happy you are there is hard.

So.. I continue to work on myself and create a vision for how I can be happier.  In many ways I am better than I have ever been.  More at peace than in the past.  I am thankful for that.

Deep breath... And... Sigh.

xo

well, hi there.

I'm back after a lengthy time away.  I want to get back to writing.. it is good for me to share with YOU. I've been trying to change the name of the blog (without success) because I am not a single gal in the same sense I was a single gal in the past... I am still a single gal now in the sense that, well... that's the box I check.

Now I am with TOM!  Wonderful Tom.  2.5 years together, 2 year living together.  Life is good!  It very nice to meet your lobster!

I'm in a time of seeking... seeking to understand myself more... seeking peace... seeking to let myself be as I am.

A struggle I have is basing my love of self on if others love me.  I set unreasonable expectations that if others don't love, accept AND understand me... then I cannot love, accept and understand myself.  That is a lot of pressure on me.  and YOU!  
A great example of this is my tattoos.  I have them.  They are very telling about me...I put it all out there.  I love my tattoos.  I want you to love my tattoos.  There in lies the trouble. If I even perceive that you don't like them, then I have doubt and don't like them.  How exhausting!  I want to love them because I love them.  I have to trust that you may or may not love, accept or understand me, but some people do and that is quite nice.


I'm seeing a Life Coach and she is great for me.  I have tried therapy in the past and it has helped on occasion.  This feels better.. like a mentor. 

I want to constantly evolve.  I want to improve and change.  Instead of a mid life crisis I am hoping for a mid life experience.