I am a thinker and a feeler often to the detriment of me and my relationship to others. I wear myself and those close to me out with my worry and need for affirmation. I have great want and need for connection and largely lack that in the girl friend department. I recognize that making new friends when you are middle aged is difficult. Most of my peers are wives and mothers and therefore having a quite different experience than I am. I am a jealous type and a comparer.. two horrible traits I know. I had to give up long ago on joining the ranks of motherhood and having a traditional family. I had my version of family and it ended and I have been picking up the pieces of that for over a year. I essentially had one supporter during my massive depression and time of transition. One person who checked on me each day and saw my temporary living space and held me when I was hyperventilating through my pain. He is now my boyfriend and is a loving presence and all around great man.
He casually dated a close person in my life and their relationship was over when his strong friendship with me began, yet when we began dating I was and continue to be viewed as the bad guy, the man-eater, the bitch who stole a boyfriend and ruined a life. It weighs on me and makes me question myself all the time. I want so badly to be the type of person who can say ah well, I can't control your incorrect way of viewing how it all went down, but I am not that person. I have dwelled and cried and beating myself up for moving on for 8+ months. My own happiness and peace in life has been sacrificed due to my angst and knowledge that someone else is sad, angry or resentful of me. I lost a lifestyle I loved, a man I loved and set of friendships in the course of my breakup that will never recover. I live in a small town and feel largely isolated and ostracized. It is hurtful and depressing.
I am on attempt # who-the-hell-knows to move on, forgive myself and find a new path. Each day is new and I can only endeavor to be at peace and send love and forgiveness to the universe for myself and those around me.
I want big conversations about important things in my tiny world and our huge troubled world. I want my home to be a haven not only for me but for those in my life. I know that these feelings of wanting to be understood and enjoyed are not unique to me. I don't fancy myself as someone deep or interesting or magnetic. Certainly no more so than anyone else. I am desperate for connection and realness. I want to be a confidant, friend and partner. I am a spiritual, hippie, angst ridden monster who is giving and forgiving and weird and funny and broken and whole and missing you and You and YOU. I love y'all, I love me and I if you need me I am right here. Ready to shower the people I love with love. Not in a weird, uncomfortable way, but in the most honest, silly and available way that I can.
This is what is on my heart today.
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