more of the same general bullshit, different day though.

I am a thinker and a feeler often to the detriment of me and my relationship to others.  I wear myself and those close to me out with my worry and need for affirmation.  I have great want and need for connection and largely lack that in the girl friend department.  I recognize that making new friends when you are middle aged is difficult.  Most of my peers are wives and mothers and therefore having a quite different experience than I am.  I am a jealous type and a comparer..  two horrible traits I know.  I had to give up long ago on joining the ranks of motherhood and having a traditional family.  I had my version of family and it ended and I have been picking up the pieces of that for over a year.  I essentially had one supporter during my massive depression and time of transition.  One person who checked on me each day and saw my temporary living space and held me when I was hyperventilating through my pain.  He is now my boyfriend and is a loving presence and all around great man.
He casually dated a close person in my life and their relationship was over when his strong friendship with me began, yet when we began dating I was and continue to be viewed as the bad guy, the man-eater, the bitch who stole a boyfriend and ruined a life.  It weighs on me and makes me question myself all the time.  I want so badly to be the type of person who can say ah well, I can't control your incorrect way of viewing how it all went down, but I am not that person.  I have dwelled and cried and beating myself up for moving on for 8+ months.  My own happiness and peace in life has been sacrificed due to my angst and knowledge that someone else is sad, angry or resentful of me.  I lost a lifestyle I loved, a man I loved and set of friendships in the course of my breakup that will never recover.  I live in a small town and feel largely isolated and ostracized.  It is hurtful and depressing.
I am on attempt # who-the-hell-knows to move on, forgive myself and find a new path.  Each day is new and I can only endeavor to be at peace and send love and forgiveness to the universe for myself and those around me.
I want big conversations about important things in my tiny world and our huge troubled world.  I want my home to be a haven not only for me but for those in my life.  I know that these feelings of wanting to be understood and enjoyed are not unique to me.  I don't fancy myself as someone deep or interesting or magnetic.  Certainly no more so than anyone else.  I am desperate for connection and realness.  I want to be a confidant, friend and partner.  I am a spiritual, hippie, angst ridden monster who is giving and forgiving and weird and funny and broken and whole and missing you and You and YOU.  I love y'all, I love me and I if you need me I am right here.  Ready to shower the people I love with love.  Not in a weird, uncomfortable way, but in the most honest, silly and available way that I can.
This is what is on my heart today.

Sweet sixteen and birthday trifectas

Sweet 16.
The year is 2016 and people are calling it sweet 16 which I am all for. Let's have a sweet 16 shall we?

I didn't have the traditional sweet 16 that most girls have. I was 9 months pregnant at the time and away from my friends and family. It was an odd and shameful time in my life. It largely shaped who I am today. I have no regrets and my son is a nice young man making his way in this world along with everyone else. He was raised by a kind, gentle woman and I am proud to have carried him and brought him into the world for her. No pity party here about any of that.

So I will be happy to have my sweet 16 now.  27 years have passed since I turned sixteen of age and have had a full, semi-charmed life.  I have a funny thing about  numbers and ages. I like the sound of even # ages and ages that end in 5. For instance, I think being 44 (which I will be this year) sounds better than 43.  So each decade, there are 3 years in a row that fit my  number preference. This decade for me it's 44, 45 and 46. So I am about I to  start the age trifecta.  It's silly and I have no idea why this is exciting to me, but there you go.

Happy Sweet 16 to you and to ME.

xo