More of the same.

I feel too much.  I think that is the root of my troubles.  I think and feel and worry and assess and desire answers and it wears me out.  It is detrimental to me and those around me.  I am reminded often by my sweet Hans that most people do not think the way I do.  Not that I am so great, but I spend the majority of my day thinking of other people, what they need, what they feel, what I can do to unburden them.  I self centeredly think others are thinking of me... worrying about me... the way I am about them.  The truth is.. they are not.

That is not to say that others are unkind. Or selfish.  It is just an explanation of sorts on how differently I feel.  It's not saintly, or special... It's burdensome to an extent.

My first/only post of the year was about never having had a bad year.  2015 has been largely a bad year.  I don't know if I brought all the crap of this year on to myself or what.  It really doesn't matter I suppose.  It just came.  A devastating breakup, loss and change of friendships, loss of a job, and a ton of other crappy hassles.  I totally get that everyone has their bag of hammers and that many people would take my troubles over their own any day.  Again with the guilt.

I have forgotten how to be me.  I had a moment today where I remembered my quirkiness and easy-goingness and realized I haven't been that person in a long time.  I have been trying to be very benign.. very neutral.  How sad is that??  To not feel that your true self is interesting, fun, or appealing enough?  I am pitiful... geesh.

Reluctant regrouping is a phrase I coined earlier this year (can I make money off of that?).  It is not the most fun thing to do.  I have had the hardest time reframing my friendships.  Friendships I gave too much emphasis to.  I need to cultivate some new friendships...admittedly not my strong suit.

I need to find my confidence again.  Find my ability to be me.  I need to see myself as worthy, interesting, funny, appealing... I've given all the power to others.  At least some of the power should come from me.

This post has not been funny, light or perhaps even worth the read.  I hope to remedy that in the near future.

xo