2011

So I have been thinking about goals for 2011. It is my last year in my 30s. Whoa. Hold the phone. What's that you say?

I have mixed emotions about turning 40 soon. Mostly I am fine with it and stick with a "you are only as old as you feel/act".

I would like to go into the next decade of my life in the best health and shape I possibly can. I also want to be my best spiritually and emotionally. Therefore, 2011 is going to include the following:

being more active at my home church.

more and varied exercise including abs and strength training.

eating exactly what I want... only less of it.

continuing to be the best nurse I can be. Learning more and connecting with patients each day.

having my heart as open as I can so I can hopefully find my true love.


**between now and the new year I am going to exercise as little as possible, drink too much and eat terribly.
just saying.

Never giving up

I have a date tonight. Gotta keep getting out there right? I have alot of specifics in my mind of what I am looking for... but I am trying to remain open minded so I can hopefully, one day find my mate.
Some of the things I would like to find in a man:


Slim build
Tall (or tall-ish)
a bit edgy and artistic (tattoos a plus)
kind
FUNNY
a person of faith
easygoing
easily entertained
optimistic
reponsible
someone who would like to have one child
someone with their own interests
someone I trust
someone who can express their feeling
someone who is good at giving affirmation (I need alot)

There is so many more things I would like to have. This list makes me seem very particular I know. I am very, very accepting and flexable so I know all of this may not be possible.

All I can do is try, try, try.

Thankful Thursday

My sweet dog Scrabl being so determined to sit in my lap he will take the tiny bit not taken up by my computer.

God being patient with me when I am distant.

That I only work 152 days per year.

That I have had a roommate for the past couple of months.

That life has seasons and something great is on the horizon.

dating in middle adulthood

First let me just say how much it sucks to admit that this is "middle adulthood". How the freak did that happen???? I was just cruising along young and free and then suddenly I have lines between my eyebrows that stick around and my fertility window has narrowed to a irritating crack.

It's crazy! Life gets away from you and you realize the things you thought would come may not come at all.

I think what happens once you are grown is that it all becomes too complicated... Here are some of the things I have been faced with when meeting new men:
They have kids (not a deal breaker, but..complicated)
They live in another city
They are hard core into an activity, thus basically unavailable for dating
They are self centered and set in their ways

I should say, that of course, this blog is from my perspective. I have plenty of issues too... I am sure I am self centered and set in my ways to a degree. I in no way feel like I am free from deal breaking qualities. In fact, I must be riddled with deal breaking qualities since I am in fact SINGLE at 38. Shit, what a realization to come to.

I suppose the point of this entry was to express my observation that there is more effort needed to make a relationship work at this stage in the game. I pride myself on being easy to be around. I am not naggy, bitchy, or especially needy. I have a roommate right now for the first time in 15 years and we are getting along swimmingly. So, I have faith that I can be lived with.

Ugghh, I don't know. It just seems that when you find someone to date if should be straightforward and "easy". But it isn't I tell you. Either I decide it is too difficult to fit someone into my equation or they decide the same. I think you just have to go for it and not think about it too much. That is what happened in my roommate situation. If I had thought about it very much I would have chosen not to open my home to him. But I didn't think, I merely opened my house to someone in need. The result is that it is fun and not a problem at all.
I have to open my heart and my head to at least try dating the men that on paper might not seem to be a good match.

I can think of a handful of great guys that for one reason or another I didn't pursue harder. Now they are in nice marriages or promising relationships. How depressing is that?

I truly think that things work out as they should, so I don't dwell on missed opportunities or relationships that didn't work out...They would have worked out if they were supposed to.

My mind is open, my heart is open....Let's do this thing!

Thankful Thursday

A new guitar (that I don't know how to play, but hope to learn.)

Lunch in downtown Lakeland

Lovely weather

An upcoming weekend with my perfect niece

The ability to stop everything and take a nap (next on the agenda)

Thankful Thursday...one day late

My wonderful, long time friend Sarah started doing a "Thankful Thursday" entry on her blog.
I have decided to incorporate that into my life and my blog also. I am thankful everyday for the good things in my life, but taking the time to record what I am thankful for should be fun and a reminder of my many, many blessings.
Therefore, I am thankful for:

my satisfying new career

a very fun date

lovely fall weather

2 remarkably sweet dogs

a fun weekend ahead

Tattooing and being an individual

So, I got some new ink tonight. It was fun and I really like my new piece. I realize that in this day and age, tattooing is not so edgy or unique, but somehow it makes me happy. I feel like I am expressing myself and hopefully showing the free spirit side of me.
I feel like a hippie on the inside. I am learning that others view me differently than I view myself. Perhaps tattooing is me crying out for people to see me as a free spirit. Dunno.
I want so much to be who I am.... one of my favorite sayings is Be As You Are or BSUR. I was reminded today that I am almost 40 (it was like taking a bullet) and I felt like... WOW! Life is ticking away.
I am enjoying my life. I want to live and do and be. I don't want to miss a moment. I don't want to have regrets and I don't want to worry.
I work really hard to be responsible. To be a good person. To be a good friend and family member. To think before I speak and before I act.. But at the same time I want to live and do and be edgy and perhaps risky at times. It is a delicate balance.
I hope I am doing it all right. I hope God is smiling. I hope I will leave this place one day and feel like it was all good. All very good.

pffftt!

How do you spell the sound of sticking out your tongue like a little kid and poo - pooing the world or a situation?
Well, I am doing that right now!
I don't get it, I DO NOT get it!
I can't even get into it right now. But men. MEN! And me. ME! I am a trainwreck when it comes to securing a nice man. In this case even as a friend. I don't know what the Fuckity-Fuck is so wrong with me????????????????????????????????
I think I am fun. easygoing. decent looking. funny. a catch. indeed a catch I say! BUT... I do it wrong again and again... and again... and again.

second verse... same as the first

So, K and I had a fun time. We really did. He is generous and kind and handsome and wonderful. We had laughs and romance.
But.
You knew there would be a but...
It is another dead end. Another failure of sorts in the romance department for me.

I found myself in the mode of trying to convince YET ANOTHER MAN that I am worth being with. It gets very old. How is it so different for so many other women??? They meet a man. man wants to be with them (and they with him). They date. They marry. They are happy. End of story. (* I realize there are sad, failed marriages as well)

I am so frustrated.

Being a nurse and a little on love

It's Fun! Being a nurse that is. I am enjoying it so far. I am working with my preceptor, meeting all the staff and generally feel like I am fitting in just fine.

I suppose it is common for people to find their calling later in life. If I had known I wanted to be a nurse back when I was 18 I would be a well seasoned nurse by now and I would be making the BIG bucks. Ah well, I will learn the ropes and be lightly seasoned before I know it.

I think the 3 day work schedule is going to be sweet! It works perfectly for me... the gal who wants all the time off she can get.

This week I get to see my friend K. He is someone I have know for many, many years. I like him, he likes me, but somehow we have never made the leap to actually being together and making it work. I am hopeful that we may be closer than ever to making the leap. I am not afraid. But he is... I don't want to be in a situation of having to convince him (or anyone else for that matter!) that we should be together. That is exhausting and not a lot of fun for me. If he comes around.... GREAT! But I want easy. I want someone who is my champion and I his. I want love and romance and fun and.... all the good stuff that comes with being with the right person. I have no disillusions that any relationship can be perfect... but when you are equally yoked it can come pretty close.
I think.
I hope.

Glass half full

I am an optimist. I want to be a happy person. I want my mood to be up far more than it is down. I believe that we create the life and atmosphere we desire to live in. There are people who choose to live in drama and misery. Somehow I believe that is their bliss. (I don't get it, but it can be entertaining to watch...)

Which brings me to my present mood. It is not a bad mood, but it is a mood I am not enjoying especially. I am in worry mode... specifically I am scared shitless about my new job. I am not good with transition periods of life and I am about to be in a big one with this career change. While I am excited to begin and know I will ultimately love it... in the meantime I am stressed out. Normal? Of course. Easy? Not so much.

I can think logically about it and know that in a month or so I will be fairly comfortable in my new job and my life will feel balanced and "normal". It is the meantime that I don't like.

Don't get me started about the fact that I take my board exam on Tuesday. That is certainly on my mind. I am studying and preparing as much as I can, but I will be so happy to have that behind me. Good Lord please let me pass the first time!!!!

My personal life is pretty cool. I have great friends and I feel happy in that area except for the lack of a man part. It is quite discouraging, but I remain OPTIMISTIC that he is still out there.

Blah, blah, blah.. Have I said anything earth shattering? Certainly not, but the writing helps.


Now if I could just get laid.

Graduation day

Oh my! What a day, what a fun and perfect day. I am so overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends. I feel completely undeserving of all the showering of love and gifts and hugs, but I am wildly thankful.

Attention is a funny thing for me. I admit I crave it.... and I need lots of affirmation... but at the same time it makes me anxious because of the undeserving part that I mentioned above.

But the message of today is that I am happy. And proud. And mostly content. And lucky.
lucky, Lucky, LUCKY.

Spoke too soon

I have got to learn to not get ahead of myself. Lastest man... Gone. With no explanation, no falling out, he is just inexplicably done with me.
I thought it was going great... I got excited... I was smiling like the proverbial cat who ate the canary...
This week. I am gloomy and pessimistic and oh so blue.
Insane I tell you.
Insane.

My return from a long time away

It seems I would have written throughout nursing school. Instead I essentially didn't write at all. It would have been very theraputic, but too late now... School is all but OVER! I graduate 2 weeks from tomorrow. It has been a long journey, but a good one overall. Now the next phase of starting this new career. I do believe I have found the right path for me.

But I want to talk about something far more important. And that is....

MEN! I want one. And I may have found a good one :) I have been putting myself out there more and have met some new people... I have reconnected with some old favorites (so to speak) but have been left feeling pretty discouraged.
Then I go on my annual girls weekend and low and behold I meet a very, very nice guy. You certainly never know when they will come around.

I am cautiously optimistic. I am trying to play it cool (not my strong suit) and I am praying about it. I think I deserve love and have alot to give.... so maybe, just maybe I am going to be the lucky one this time.