I'm a nice person, I really, really am.

I am the type of person who analyzes. I go over things again and again in my mind. Things I say, things I do... I never want to let anybody down, never want to offend anyone, never want to give anyone any reason not to like me. I am not entirely sure why this is. I worry about it. Alot.

I would like to leave this behind and not be such a self critical, self loathing person. I do know that I cannot control what others are feeling or thinking. I can only control what I do and how I am. And, I can say that I try to be kind, generous, consistant and easy to be around.

So, what has stirred up these emotions??? I am at camp this week and have alot of mixed emotions about this place. I spent so many years of my life here, and yet feel like an outsider when I visit. Everyone is very pleasant, it's not that... but I just feel like a fish out of water. It makes me very, very sad. I was on team during an interesting, transitional time... I had big opinions and was, like everyone else, figuring out who I was when I was here. So, logically I know my camp experience was fine and that no one is having all these big thoughts about me that I think they are... but emotionally... I can't ever seem to really be ok with all of it.