wide awake

I am not sure why I am awake, but here I am writing at 2:42 am. I am quite the sleeper most of the time. It is almost Olympic how proficient I am at it. I love to dream and just think that sleep is awesome.
But, sometimes... I find myself awake and not getting back to sleep. Alot of times I realize I am hungry.. Tonight was one of those times. So I got up and had pretzels and milk (have you tried it? Good snack!)
This is hard to explain, but I think I have trouble sleeping when I don't feel like myself. When I feel challenged or threatened... or just like I am not being my authentic self. I know I will stay up worrying when I feel I didn't express myself right, was put on the spot or said something I regret.
Geesh! The life of a worrier :)
Well, I am going to try again for some peaceful slumber... maybe here on the couch... sometimes I just need a change of scenery.

False start

Well sort of. When I got to school yesterday, I found out that I don't go back again until July 27th. We work from home, online, at our own pace. So I get to continue being a woman of leisure for a bit longer. No complaints here!!! I could really get used to this... wait, I have!

Here we go!

Tomorrow is the big day! After much anticipation, I start nursing school. I am excited and nervous about what it will be like... but isn't that true for any new endeavor.
I find myself mourning the time off I have relished for the last 5 weeks... but isn't it also true that all good things must end?
I have been so unstressed... I have lost alot of my self consciousness and self worry.... I hope I can keep it at bay even when the stress of school begins.
Oh and I hope I can get up in the morning!! I know I will do it, but I hate it. 6:15 am will come so soon. Ah well, such is life.
I hope to meet great people and plan to start this journey with a great attitude!

Summer Solstice

I love today! The summer solstice! The longest day of the year! The sun didn't set until around 8:45 and I enjoyed the very long day. Don't focus on the fact that now the days will begin to get shorter :) I floated in the lake for 3.5 hours and finished up the swim with a nice skinny dip once it was dark. There is almost nothing sweeter or more freeing than a skinny dip.
Celebrate summer, celebrate life, celebrate family, celebrate health, celebrate safety...celebrate life!

I'm a nice person, I really, really am.

I am the type of person who analyzes. I go over things again and again in my mind. Things I say, things I do... I never want to let anybody down, never want to offend anyone, never want to give anyone any reason not to like me. I am not entirely sure why this is. I worry about it. Alot.

I would like to leave this behind and not be such a self critical, self loathing person. I do know that I cannot control what others are feeling or thinking. I can only control what I do and how I am. And, I can say that I try to be kind, generous, consistant and easy to be around.

So, what has stirred up these emotions??? I am at camp this week and have alot of mixed emotions about this place. I spent so many years of my life here, and yet feel like an outsider when I visit. Everyone is very pleasant, it's not that... but I just feel like a fish out of water. It makes me very, very sad. I was on team during an interesting, transitional time... I had big opinions and was, like everyone else, figuring out who I was when I was here. So, logically I know my camp experience was fine and that no one is having all these big thoughts about me that I think they are... but emotionally... I can't ever seem to really be ok with all of it.

At the Lake

Since I am in unemployed mode until I go back to school in August, I moved over to the lake today. I have the place to myself because mom and dad are on vacation. I can pretend that this is my home! You know, spend lots of time walking around naked :)
My very perfect friends Elisa and Jerrie are coming tomorrow for our yearly girls weekend. I am so excited to have it at the lake this year. Neither of them have been here before so I am anxious for them to experience it.
We just had a nice rain and the sun has come right back out. That is the rain pattern I love!!! Bring the much needed rain, but then clear back up.
I just made myself a cocktail, coconut rum with Sprite Zero. Yum! I will share a funny thing about me... I have this false conception that as soon as you open a two liter bottle of soda that it goes instantly flat. I don't really know why I think that... I am sure you have a few days of reasonable fizz. Hmmm. Dunno.

New Snack!

It is basically all about food with me :) I think about food alot. I like finding yummy, healthy snacks and my latest one is from Target. Archer Farms Garlic Rosemary Low Fat Baked Potato Crisps. SOOOOO Good! I love rosemary so I think they are super delicious.

I went out running errands and got alot done. I also spent some money which is going to be on my mind more than ever in the next year. I didn't buy anything I didn't need and tried to get the best bargains I could. I suppose that is all I can do. Mostly I will have to refrain from buying anything new in the way of clothes, home accessories, etc. I just need this time while I am not working to be an exercise in being satisfied with what I have. That being said, I will still splurge on a great clearance item or thrift store find I am sure!!

I think I will allot x amount of money per month for retail therapy :) It may be a small amount, but at least I can treat myself sometimes.

Sigh.

Blame the rainy weather, or all the transition in my life... but I am feeling quite blue. Anxious maybe. I have a hard time coming to my job anymore because I feel more out of place than ever. I feel like everyone has moved on and they don't care if I ever worked here. Part of me recognizes that as normal.. they should move on, they should be over me. But I cannot help but want everyone to be broken up about the fact that I am leaving and that they won't see me everyday!!
After all, I have alot to look forward to but I am still terribly sad not to come here everyday and see my FSC people everyday.
I know that I am someone who likes attention, validation and affirmation (who doesn't!). I just want to be liked, missed, cared for, wanted....
Oh poor me! I feel a bit selfish for boo hoo-ing about this. I guess I am lonely and scared and worried about what is to come.

Rain, Rain

don't go away... but please change your pattern. I am ready for some sun and drier air. I am not complaining!! We need the rain. Everything is greener and lakes are fuller so hallelujah!!
What I love is when we have rain in the afternoon and it rains for an hour. Then it is cooler for the rest of the day.
With full days of rain, I have messy floors and damp dogs. Not my favorite thing, but better than no rain at all.
Rain makes me want to nap. I will do just that for a little while after work. Then hot yoga tonight. Can hardly wait!

Not just another Tuesday night.

I am alone alot, but not tonight. Tonight I am with my girls. Once a month my home is filled with the sounds of laughter and conversation as we play Keno. It is a good time and I always look forward to it.

I like having things to look forward to. Even something simple. It allows me to be okay with the down time. And don't get me wrong, I value my alone time. It doesn't take much to entertain me, so I do well with a quiet, simple life. I very much look forward to sharing my life with someone. I have realized lately that a good partnership for me will be one where we are together, yet separate. Where we share things together but have our own interests.

So, my girls will be here soon. I leave you with a new find that I am enjoying tonight. Barefoot wine now has Barefoot Bubbly... tonight I am drinking the Chardonnay variety. They also had Pinot Grigio and a few others. Yum! I love the bubbles.

Oh and we had rain today! Rain, glorious Rain! The prettiest thing I have seen in a while.

Mama said

there would be days like this! I am trying to choose happiness, but I feel so grouchy! I don't have an explanation for why... nothing has happened... life is status quo. I keep thinking it is hormonal, just that time in the month where I start feeling...well grouchy, for no reason.
I am feeling down on myself, not good enough, unattractive, etc. I get it that we all feel that way sometimes, but that doesn't make it suck any less. I was to be consistantly ok with who I am! Not just the first18 or so days of my cycle.
I am in hyper-critical mode which I hate. I like it better when I am more outside myself. I am trying to stay busy and distract myself. Maybe I need to do some soul searching and my mind/body is trying to tell me that, but I don't really feel like soul searching right now.
After work, I will lay down and read and probably sleep for a little bit. That usually helps me... kinda resets my brain or whatever. Then I will exercise tonight which should help.
Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts....

Oh Scrabl!

I started my day by staying in bed too long...relaxing and loving on the dogs. Then up and going knowing I will be later than usual for work. On my way out the door, I pause to give the dogs and little love and Scrabl is in a mood. He growls at me and I know it is about the single piece of kibble he has with him and is guarding. So, here we go...Do I play Alpha dog and make him get over it and submit to me... or do I just let it go... this time. I try to be consistant and make sure he knows I am in charge, so I take the kibble and put it back in his dish and give him a firm NO for the growling. Well he promptly gets up and gets another piece to keep with him. I know I don't have time for this, but I go through the same thing again only to have him again get a piece to keep with him. So this time when I am about to take it, he turns on me and starts snarling and biting. Jerk. I hate that my 8 lb little guy is winning this battle, but I don't have time for this!!!
Part of me thinks, poor guy, he was on the street and was hungry so now he feels safer if he keeps a little piece of reserve so he knows he won't be without.... BUT I know how he gets about it and can't have him biting me or others. He bit Lindsay on the lip once and I about got rid of him on the spot!
Grrrr.
The joys of dog ownership. Who owns who?? Sometimes, I think they own me.

BSUR

I am constantly working on being who I want to be. I can't get it wrong. No one can. Being who we are is all we can do. We really cannot get it wrong... sure there can be consequences that are less than useful, but if we are being our authentic selves... we are doing it right!

I have always struggled with "right" and "wrong". I put those words in quotes because with the majority of our actions there is not right or wrong. Every choice we make has consequences... they don't have to be categorized and right or wrong... they are simply choices that lead to our experiences.

My goal is always to be a good person, a caring person and a giving person. I enjoy being funny and hope I make people laugh from time to time.

I am learning that I cannot make people notice me, I cannot make people love me... I can simply create an atmosphere that is loving and supportive and light and fun... and hope for the best.

Be as you are.

Monday, Monday.

Happy Monday! What else is there to say?? It's not as if we can do anything about it... we have to start a new week. It always seems we complain about Mondays... I get it, it is a new work week... but really?
This have become a day to look forward to thanks to my friend Jeanna who often has me over for dinner on Mondays. She is a great cook and I love the routine of eating with her and Michael. And Monday is one of my favorite TV nights.
Life is about finding the moments that make us smile. There is always something to look forward to.

Limoncello update

I started the process yesterday. The lemon peels are soaking with the alcohol. Now we wait a week.
Today, I ordered online some cute 8oz glass bottles with stoppers that I will store it in.
Also I bought adorable little stemmed shot glasses at a thrift shop. Only spent $1.60 for 7 glasses.
Fun!
I hope it turns out deliciously!!

Weekend!

It's Friday! Yay! I am wearing my old navy capri jeans from Ebay... and my stop global warming flip flops I got for free with my purchase from Simple Shoes, and a clearance shirt from Target... I am a bargain from head to toe :)
I think I will go to the the lake tomorrow. It is going to be a beautiful weekend and warm enough for all to swim I think. I have already been in this year. I like to swim as early as possible each year. Mom and dad bought new noodles yesterday so we can all float in style. I want to get a comfy lounger float of some sort this year. Something with a cup holder so I don't spill my beer! Lake life is the best life! I am so glad mom and dad live where they do.

Limoncello!

I am going to make Limoncello! It is a delightful treat that I like to sip and dream of travel to Italy someday.
Here is the recipe I plan to use:
1 liter (750 ml) of Everclear alcohol
10 lemons
6 1/3 cups water
6.5 cups sugar

Wash the lemons with hot water to remove any pesticides or wax. Pat the lemons dry. Using a potato peeler, take all the rinds off the lemons so there is no while pith on the peel. Place the rind peelings in a large container with the Everclear alcohol. Cover the container and let sit for 7 days.

On the 8th day, strain the peels from the alcohol, discard peels.

In a large saucepan, make a simple syrup by combining the water and sugar; let it simmer "fast" for 15 minutes. Let simple sugar cool to room temperature. Add to alcohol.

Done! Keep in freezer.

Ahhhh and whaatttt???

Hot Yoga! If you haven't tried it, hurry up and do! It is so relaxing, detoxing and such a good workout. You mind will be clear, your body like jello and you will sleep like a baby. At least until 4 am.... Well, in my case at least.
At 4 am I heard the all too familiar sound of one of my dogs hacking up the contents of his stomach. So, I shot up in bed to make sure said contents were landing in a place I can easily (!) clean up. Scrabl, poor guy had already done the deed in his doggie bed so I just cleaned it a little and will launder it today. Scrabl went right back to sleep, Toby got some water and did the same. Unfortunately, I was still so tired, but was unable to keep my brain from starting in on me. Grr. So, I laid there and thought and worried about things (ie. what will I do when the dogs die, how will I come up with $8000 more for school, etc.). I got up, ate some yogurt and lay on the couch for a bit. Then back to bed and back to sleep sometime around 5:30.
I think women do this much more than men. They don't think nearly as much as we do.
Such is life.

"Well I woke up this morning....

Rainbow filled the sky"! I got up this morning singing this. I have certainly shifted from woe is me mode, to life is good mode.
I certainly get that our attitude effects everything. Happiness breeds more happiness... therefore... I choose happiness. Even if sometimes the woe is me is speaking from the back of my brain. I figure, there is always something exciting to look forward to and be working toward, so during the in between times I can just be happy that I have little or no responsibilities.

And I leave you with the next line from the song... "That was God telling me... Everything's gonna be alright!"

A true runner.

I am going to keep this simple. Too much information could be detrimental to my sense of self....
There are often stories about runners having an urgency to poop while, or immediately following a run... Well, last night I joined the ranks of those with a poop story.
Gotta love this human experience.

Well, it looks like I am no blogger...

I have plenty of thoughts and ideas, but lack the discipline to do this on any regular basis.

I am feeling good this week after not feeling great for a while. Mentally that is. Anxieties get the best of me and I have a hard time just letting go of worries.

I am being exercise queen this week, taking care of me and controlling what I can.

I R Pissed!

I wrote a bunch this morning and it is lost. I saved it several times, but made a misstep before publishing and bam! Gone. Grrr.

How will you know I like you if I don't copy what you do?

After reading other blogs and thinking, "well aren't they just smart and cool and together"... and then getting a blog annoucement from one of my favorite people (yes, you Breah!)... here I am jumping on this bandwagon.
I have no expectation about how often I will blog, or if it will be at all interesting, but I have a feeling it could be theraputic and a nice outlet.
So, tune in, read my thoughts and what I am doing. My plan is to be as real as possible (may not be for the faint of heart). Most times it will be boring drivel, but what about those days when it isn't...