More of the same.

I feel too much.  I think that is the root of my troubles.  I think and feel and worry and assess and desire answers and it wears me out.  It is detrimental to me and those around me.  I am reminded often by my sweet Hans that most people do not think the way I do.  Not that I am so great, but I spend the majority of my day thinking of other people, what they need, what they feel, what I can do to unburden them.  I self centeredly think others are thinking of me... worrying about me... the way I am about them.  The truth is.. they are not.

That is not to say that others are unkind. Or selfish.  It is just an explanation of sorts on how differently I feel.  It's not saintly, or special... It's burdensome to an extent.

My first/only post of the year was about never having had a bad year.  2015 has been largely a bad year.  I don't know if I brought all the crap of this year on to myself or what.  It really doesn't matter I suppose.  It just came.  A devastating breakup, loss and change of friendships, loss of a job, and a ton of other crappy hassles.  I totally get that everyone has their bag of hammers and that many people would take my troubles over their own any day.  Again with the guilt.

I have forgotten how to be me.  I had a moment today where I remembered my quirkiness and easy-goingness and realized I haven't been that person in a long time.  I have been trying to be very benign.. very neutral.  How sad is that??  To not feel that your true self is interesting, fun, or appealing enough?  I am pitiful... geesh.

Reluctant regrouping is a phrase I coined earlier this year (can I make money off of that?).  It is not the most fun thing to do.  I have had the hardest time reframing my friendships.  Friendships I gave too much emphasis to.  I need to cultivate some new friendships...admittedly not my strong suit.

I need to find my confidence again.  Find my ability to be me.  I need to see myself as worthy, interesting, funny, appealing... I've given all the power to others.  At least some of the power should come from me.

This post has not been funny, light or perhaps even worth the read.  I hope to remedy that in the near future.

xo

On Social Media, A New Year, and not giving a sh*t.

2015 is behaving so well!

I am fortunate to not have had any "bad years".  A whole year of bad would be...well, bad.

I have had difficult times and 2014 had it's share.   I don't really do NewYear Resolutions, but I try to have goals for betterment.  More on that later.

I was thinking recently about social media and it's addictive allure.  I love my twitter, FB, instagram, pinterest, etc.  I use it everyday, sometimes to the point of obsessive.  I often think, I should just quit, cold turkey! I used to survive just fine without knowing what's what.  But then my immediate next thought is that I simply need to know the ins and outs of everyone's (mostly) mundane lives.

This has truly become the norm. We are all able to be "all up in each other's business" without really ever having any face to face time.  That's kinda wacky, right?  But the flip side is "wow! being this connected is awesome!"   I am very grateful for this simple means of staying in touch with so many, but sometimes it feels like I need an intervention.  Perhaps I need to come up with a schedule where I only let myself use social media at certain, strict times.  I dunno, it just seems I am a lot less in the moment than I used to be.

So, back to 2015.  My goal was pretty basic.  I want to just STOP.  Stop being so hard on myself. Stop worrying what others think of me.  Stop thinking I have to be perfect.  Simply put, to Stop giving a shit.  Now, I don't mean that I am going to stop being me.  I'm always going to be generous with my love, I am always going to be emotion and sensitive... And I am always going to want people to get me... so I am likely to continue to over-explain myself.  But in general, Not giving a shit will probably serve me well as a mantra.  

Alright y'all that's all I got!

See ya.. soon I hope!

xo