More of the same.

I feel too much.  I think that is the root of my troubles.  I think and feel and worry and assess and desire answers and it wears me out.  It is detrimental to me and those around me.  I am reminded often by my sweet Hans that most people do not think the way I do.  Not that I am so great, but I spend the majority of my day thinking of other people, what they need, what they feel, what I can do to unburden them.  I self centeredly think others are thinking of me... worrying about me... the way I am about them.  The truth is.. they are not.

That is not to say that others are unkind. Or selfish.  It is just an explanation of sorts on how differently I feel.  It's not saintly, or special... It's burdensome to an extent.

My first/only post of the year was about never having had a bad year.  2015 has been largely a bad year.  I don't know if I brought all the crap of this year on to myself or what.  It really doesn't matter I suppose.  It just came.  A devastating breakup, loss and change of friendships, loss of a job, and a ton of other crappy hassles.  I totally get that everyone has their bag of hammers and that many people would take my troubles over their own any day.  Again with the guilt.

I have forgotten how to be me.  I had a moment today where I remembered my quirkiness and easy-goingness and realized I haven't been that person in a long time.  I have been trying to be very benign.. very neutral.  How sad is that??  To not feel that your true self is interesting, fun, or appealing enough?  I am pitiful... geesh.

Reluctant regrouping is a phrase I coined earlier this year (can I make money off of that?).  It is not the most fun thing to do.  I have had the hardest time reframing my friendships.  Friendships I gave too much emphasis to.  I need to cultivate some new friendships...admittedly not my strong suit.

I need to find my confidence again.  Find my ability to be me.  I need to see myself as worthy, interesting, funny, appealing... I've given all the power to others.  At least some of the power should come from me.

This post has not been funny, light or perhaps even worth the read.  I hope to remedy that in the near future.

xo

On Social Media, A New Year, and not giving a sh*t.

2015 is behaving so well!

I am fortunate to not have had any "bad years".  A whole year of bad would be...well, bad.

I have had difficult times and 2014 had it's share.   I don't really do NewYear Resolutions, but I try to have goals for betterment.  More on that later.

I was thinking recently about social media and it's addictive allure.  I love my twitter, FB, instagram, pinterest, etc.  I use it everyday, sometimes to the point of obsessive.  I often think, I should just quit, cold turkey! I used to survive just fine without knowing what's what.  But then my immediate next thought is that I simply need to know the ins and outs of everyone's (mostly) mundane lives.

This has truly become the norm. We are all able to be "all up in each other's business" without really ever having any face to face time.  That's kinda wacky, right?  But the flip side is "wow! being this connected is awesome!"   I am very grateful for this simple means of staying in touch with so many, but sometimes it feels like I need an intervention.  Perhaps I need to come up with a schedule where I only let myself use social media at certain, strict times.  I dunno, it just seems I am a lot less in the moment than I used to be.

So, back to 2015.  My goal was pretty basic.  I want to just STOP.  Stop being so hard on myself. Stop worrying what others think of me.  Stop thinking I have to be perfect.  Simply put, to Stop giving a shit.  Now, I don't mean that I am going to stop being me.  I'm always going to be generous with my love, I am always going to be emotion and sensitive... And I am always going to want people to get me... so I am likely to continue to over-explain myself.  But in general, Not giving a shit will probably serve me well as a mantra.  

Alright y'all that's all I got!

See ya.. soon I hope!

xo

Sighs.

I am a sigher... one who sighs..

I think sighing is a good thing even though it often comes across to others like something is wrong or bothering you.

For me, I think I sigh frequently because I am a shallow breather and occasionally my body remembers it could use a bit more oxygen and just takes over.  Of course, sometimes I sigh because I am frustrated, exasperated or something.

Today at yoga I was full of sighs.  Deep, exhausting, let it all out sighs.  I couldn't help myself. They just came again and again.  It felt good and by the end of my practice... I felt good.

The good thoughts and optimism continued for most of the day.  Sundays are a great day.  Until the thoughts of going back to work creep in.  Then I get anxious and frustrated and down on myself.  Not because I don't like work, or that I think I am not a good nurse.  I am a good nurse!  I am a nurturer by nature and take my work seriously.  The worries find me because sadly I am in a place where I am not well liked or respected. I am constantly trying to figure out how I can remedy this and I make myself nuts trying to win over colleagues that are not interested in liking or respecting me.  It's exhausting and depressing.  I try to just do my thing... work hard all day long and give kind care to my patients.  But being an island is hard.  Knowing that no one is glad to see you or happy you are there is hard.

So.. I continue to work on myself and create a vision for how I can be happier.  In many ways I am better than I have ever been.  More at peace than in the past.  I am thankful for that.

Deep breath... And... Sigh.

xo

well, hi there.

I'm back after a lengthy time away.  I want to get back to writing.. it is good for me to share with YOU. I've been trying to change the name of the blog (without success) because I am not a single gal in the same sense I was a single gal in the past... I am still a single gal now in the sense that, well... that's the box I check.

Now I am with TOM!  Wonderful Tom.  2.5 years together, 2 year living together.  Life is good!  It very nice to meet your lobster!

I'm in a time of seeking... seeking to understand myself more... seeking peace... seeking to let myself be as I am.

A struggle I have is basing my love of self on if others love me.  I set unreasonable expectations that if others don't love, accept AND understand me... then I cannot love, accept and understand myself.  That is a lot of pressure on me.  and YOU!  
A great example of this is my tattoos.  I have them.  They are very telling about me...I put it all out there.  I love my tattoos.  I want you to love my tattoos.  There in lies the trouble. If I even perceive that you don't like them, then I have doubt and don't like them.  How exhausting!  I want to love them because I love them.  I have to trust that you may or may not love, accept or understand me, but some people do and that is quite nice.


I'm seeing a Life Coach and she is great for me.  I have tried therapy in the past and it has helped on occasion.  This feels better.. like a mentor. 

I want to constantly evolve.  I want to improve and change.  Instead of a mid life crisis I am hoping for a mid life experience. 

It's been a while..

I have not written in ages. I know it is good for me to get my thoughts out of my head. I am going to try to do that today and be as honest and as real I can.

This single gal is beyond miserable. I believe this is the lowest I have ever been. They say you have to hit bottom before you can truly change so I guess that is the bonus in this.

I feel like I am doing my whole life wrong. I must be because I am about to be 40 and have nothing, NOTHING to show for myself. My entire life is an example of doing it all wrong. My career choices have been wrong. My romantic relationships are wrong. My financial decisions have been wrong. I feel like a complete and utter failure.

For the past 6 months I have been in a relationship. One that I thought mattered. One that I thought would actually stick. I let my guard down and truly believed I was free from singledom and couplehood was finally here for me. M is different and wonderful. But he doesn't want me. It is the same way all of my relationships end. He just told me I am not right for him.
So. I am alone. again.

I suck at being alone. But I also suck at relationships. So there you have it.

The tears keep coming. It is effecting my life and friendships. I know I have to figure this out and get better but I feel like I suck at life.

And... it's over.

That didn't take long at all. J called today to tell me we are over. We had a terrific first week. I was so happy and so confident that I met a good and perfect man for me. Obviously I decided that far to quickly, but we, or at least I can't control my heart and emotions. All I can do now is try to forget him and how quickly I fell for him.
This week has been completely dreadful. My perfect and sweet dog Toby died and it feels like my heart will never heal.
A friend just reminded me of resilience but I don't feel resilient at all. I feel broken and like the tears will never stop.
I will be brave and work on the knowledge that life can change in an instant. A week ago I was high as could be with happiness and thoughts of love.. This week I am lower than I can remember being. Maybe next week will bring something great.

F I N A L L Y

This single gal has met someone! Someone I really like! Hot Damn and Hallelujah! Life can change in an instant and patience does pay off.
SO, I am happily floating through the ephoria that is the early days of dating. "J" as I will refer to him in this blog has me floating through my days with a perpetual smile on my face.
We have only had two dates, but they have been perfect and comfortable and fun and easy going and full of laughing. When he kisses me my knees buckle. I love this feeling of not being able to wait to see him again.
I am getting ahead of myself as always. We barely know each other. But I don't care. When I click with someone I go for it. If I get hurt it will certainly suck but I think it is worth it. And based on my impression of him he isn't going to hurt me anyway.
Happy, Happy! Swoon, Swoon!