Sighs.

I am a sigher... one who sighs..

I think sighing is a good thing even though it often comes across to others like something is wrong or bothering you.

For me, I think I sigh frequently because I am a shallow breather and occasionally my body remembers it could use a bit more oxygen and just takes over.  Of course, sometimes I sigh because I am frustrated, exasperated or something.

Today at yoga I was full of sighs.  Deep, exhausting, let it all out sighs.  I couldn't help myself. They just came again and again.  It felt good and by the end of my practice... I felt good.

The good thoughts and optimism continued for most of the day.  Sundays are a great day.  Until the thoughts of going back to work creep in.  Then I get anxious and frustrated and down on myself.  Not because I don't like work, or that I think I am not a good nurse.  I am a good nurse!  I am a nurturer by nature and take my work seriously.  The worries find me because sadly I am in a place where I am not well liked or respected. I am constantly trying to figure out how I can remedy this and I make myself nuts trying to win over colleagues that are not interested in liking or respecting me.  It's exhausting and depressing.  I try to just do my thing... work hard all day long and give kind care to my patients.  But being an island is hard.  Knowing that no one is glad to see you or happy you are there is hard.

So.. I continue to work on myself and create a vision for how I can be happier.  In many ways I am better than I have ever been.  More at peace than in the past.  I am thankful for that.

Deep breath... And... Sigh.

xo

well, hi there.

I'm back after a lengthy time away.  I want to get back to writing.. it is good for me to share with YOU. I've been trying to change the name of the blog (without success) because I am not a single gal in the same sense I was a single gal in the past... I am still a single gal now in the sense that, well... that's the box I check.

Now I am with TOM!  Wonderful Tom.  2.5 years together, 2 year living together.  Life is good!  It very nice to meet your lobster!

I'm in a time of seeking... seeking to understand myself more... seeking peace... seeking to let myself be as I am.

A struggle I have is basing my love of self on if others love me.  I set unreasonable expectations that if others don't love, accept AND understand me... then I cannot love, accept and understand myself.  That is a lot of pressure on me.  and YOU!  
A great example of this is my tattoos.  I have them.  They are very telling about me...I put it all out there.  I love my tattoos.  I want you to love my tattoos.  There in lies the trouble. If I even perceive that you don't like them, then I have doubt and don't like them.  How exhausting!  I want to love them because I love them.  I have to trust that you may or may not love, accept or understand me, but some people do and that is quite nice.


I'm seeing a Life Coach and she is great for me.  I have tried therapy in the past and it has helped on occasion.  This feels better.. like a mentor. 

I want to constantly evolve.  I want to improve and change.  Instead of a mid life crisis I am hoping for a mid life experience. 

It's been a while..

I have not written in ages. I know it is good for me to get my thoughts out of my head. I am going to try to do that today and be as honest and as real I can.

This single gal is beyond miserable. I believe this is the lowest I have ever been. They say you have to hit bottom before you can truly change so I guess that is the bonus in this.

I feel like I am doing my whole life wrong. I must be because I am about to be 40 and have nothing, NOTHING to show for myself. My entire life is an example of doing it all wrong. My career choices have been wrong. My romantic relationships are wrong. My financial decisions have been wrong. I feel like a complete and utter failure.

For the past 6 months I have been in a relationship. One that I thought mattered. One that I thought would actually stick. I let my guard down and truly believed I was free from singledom and couplehood was finally here for me. M is different and wonderful. But he doesn't want me. It is the same way all of my relationships end. He just told me I am not right for him.
So. I am alone. again.

I suck at being alone. But I also suck at relationships. So there you have it.

The tears keep coming. It is effecting my life and friendships. I know I have to figure this out and get better but I feel like I suck at life.

And... it's over.

That didn't take long at all. J called today to tell me we are over. We had a terrific first week. I was so happy and so confident that I met a good and perfect man for me. Obviously I decided that far to quickly, but we, or at least I can't control my heart and emotions. All I can do now is try to forget him and how quickly I fell for him.
This week has been completely dreadful. My perfect and sweet dog Toby died and it feels like my heart will never heal.
A friend just reminded me of resilience but I don't feel resilient at all. I feel broken and like the tears will never stop.
I will be brave and work on the knowledge that life can change in an instant. A week ago I was high as could be with happiness and thoughts of love.. This week I am lower than I can remember being. Maybe next week will bring something great.

F I N A L L Y

This single gal has met someone! Someone I really like! Hot Damn and Hallelujah! Life can change in an instant and patience does pay off.
SO, I am happily floating through the ephoria that is the early days of dating. "J" as I will refer to him in this blog has me floating through my days with a perpetual smile on my face.
We have only had two dates, but they have been perfect and comfortable and fun and easy going and full of laughing. When he kisses me my knees buckle. I love this feeling of not being able to wait to see him again.
I am getting ahead of myself as always. We barely know each other. But I don't care. When I click with someone I go for it. If I get hurt it will certainly suck but I think it is worth it. And based on my impression of him he isn't going to hurt me anyway.
Happy, Happy! Swoon, Swoon!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

This single gal has a date. A coffee date to be exact with a match from eharmony. I am expecting great things since now I have scientific matching on my side!
I have had few other dates lately so I am doing my part to get out there. I know he isn't going to just show up on my doorstep (although the UPS guy is kinda cute).
Fingers crossed and prayers put out there.

2011

So I have been thinking about goals for 2011. It is my last year in my 30s. Whoa. Hold the phone. What's that you say?

I have mixed emotions about turning 40 soon. Mostly I am fine with it and stick with a "you are only as old as you feel/act".

I would like to go into the next decade of my life in the best health and shape I possibly can. I also want to be my best spiritually and emotionally. Therefore, 2011 is going to include the following:

being more active at my home church.

more and varied exercise including abs and strength training.

eating exactly what I want... only less of it.

continuing to be the best nurse I can be. Learning more and connecting with patients each day.

having my heart as open as I can so I can hopefully find my true love.


**between now and the new year I am going to exercise as little as possible, drink too much and eat terribly.
just saying.