pffftt!

How do you spell the sound of sticking out your tongue like a little kid and poo - pooing the world or a situation?
Well, I am doing that right now!
I don't get it, I DO NOT get it!
I can't even get into it right now. But men. MEN! And me. ME! I am a trainwreck when it comes to securing a nice man. In this case even as a friend. I don't know what the Fuckity-Fuck is so wrong with me????????????????????????????????
I think I am fun. easygoing. decent looking. funny. a catch. indeed a catch I say! BUT... I do it wrong again and again... and again... and again.

second verse... same as the first

So, K and I had a fun time. We really did. He is generous and kind and handsome and wonderful. We had laughs and romance.
But.
You knew there would be a but...
It is another dead end. Another failure of sorts in the romance department for me.

I found myself in the mode of trying to convince YET ANOTHER MAN that I am worth being with. It gets very old. How is it so different for so many other women??? They meet a man. man wants to be with them (and they with him). They date. They marry. They are happy. End of story. (* I realize there are sad, failed marriages as well)

I am so frustrated.

Being a nurse and a little on love

It's Fun! Being a nurse that is. I am enjoying it so far. I am working with my preceptor, meeting all the staff and generally feel like I am fitting in just fine.

I suppose it is common for people to find their calling later in life. If I had known I wanted to be a nurse back when I was 18 I would be a well seasoned nurse by now and I would be making the BIG bucks. Ah well, I will learn the ropes and be lightly seasoned before I know it.

I think the 3 day work schedule is going to be sweet! It works perfectly for me... the gal who wants all the time off she can get.

This week I get to see my friend K. He is someone I have know for many, many years. I like him, he likes me, but somehow we have never made the leap to actually being together and making it work. I am hopeful that we may be closer than ever to making the leap. I am not afraid. But he is... I don't want to be in a situation of having to convince him (or anyone else for that matter!) that we should be together. That is exhausting and not a lot of fun for me. If he comes around.... GREAT! But I want easy. I want someone who is my champion and I his. I want love and romance and fun and.... all the good stuff that comes with being with the right person. I have no disillusions that any relationship can be perfect... but when you are equally yoked it can come pretty close.
I think.
I hope.

Glass half full

I am an optimist. I want to be a happy person. I want my mood to be up far more than it is down. I believe that we create the life and atmosphere we desire to live in. There are people who choose to live in drama and misery. Somehow I believe that is their bliss. (I don't get it, but it can be entertaining to watch...)

Which brings me to my present mood. It is not a bad mood, but it is a mood I am not enjoying especially. I am in worry mode... specifically I am scared shitless about my new job. I am not good with transition periods of life and I am about to be in a big one with this career change. While I am excited to begin and know I will ultimately love it... in the meantime I am stressed out. Normal? Of course. Easy? Not so much.

I can think logically about it and know that in a month or so I will be fairly comfortable in my new job and my life will feel balanced and "normal". It is the meantime that I don't like.

Don't get me started about the fact that I take my board exam on Tuesday. That is certainly on my mind. I am studying and preparing as much as I can, but I will be so happy to have that behind me. Good Lord please let me pass the first time!!!!

My personal life is pretty cool. I have great friends and I feel happy in that area except for the lack of a man part. It is quite discouraging, but I remain OPTIMISTIC that he is still out there.

Blah, blah, blah.. Have I said anything earth shattering? Certainly not, but the writing helps.


Now if I could just get laid.

Graduation day

Oh my! What a day, what a fun and perfect day. I am so overwhelmed by the love and support of my family and friends. I feel completely undeserving of all the showering of love and gifts and hugs, but I am wildly thankful.

Attention is a funny thing for me. I admit I crave it.... and I need lots of affirmation... but at the same time it makes me anxious because of the undeserving part that I mentioned above.

But the message of today is that I am happy. And proud. And mostly content. And lucky.
lucky, Lucky, LUCKY.

Spoke too soon

I have got to learn to not get ahead of myself. Lastest man... Gone. With no explanation, no falling out, he is just inexplicably done with me.
I thought it was going great... I got excited... I was smiling like the proverbial cat who ate the canary...
This week. I am gloomy and pessimistic and oh so blue.
Insane I tell you.
Insane.

My return from a long time away

It seems I would have written throughout nursing school. Instead I essentially didn't write at all. It would have been very theraputic, but too late now... School is all but OVER! I graduate 2 weeks from tomorrow. It has been a long journey, but a good one overall. Now the next phase of starting this new career. I do believe I have found the right path for me.

But I want to talk about something far more important. And that is....

MEN! I want one. And I may have found a good one :) I have been putting myself out there more and have met some new people... I have reconnected with some old favorites (so to speak) but have been left feeling pretty discouraged.
Then I go on my annual girls weekend and low and behold I meet a very, very nice guy. You certainly never know when they will come around.

I am cautiously optimistic. I am trying to play it cool (not my strong suit) and I am praying about it. I think I deserve love and have alot to give.... so maybe, just maybe I am going to be the lucky one this time.