It's been a while..

I have not written in ages. I know it is good for me to get my thoughts out of my head. I am going to try to do that today and be as honest and as real I can.

This single gal is beyond miserable. I believe this is the lowest I have ever been. They say you have to hit bottom before you can truly change so I guess that is the bonus in this.

I feel like I am doing my whole life wrong. I must be because I am about to be 40 and have nothing, NOTHING to show for myself. My entire life is an example of doing it all wrong. My career choices have been wrong. My romantic relationships are wrong. My financial decisions have been wrong. I feel like a complete and utter failure.

For the past 6 months I have been in a relationship. One that I thought mattered. One that I thought would actually stick. I let my guard down and truly believed I was free from singledom and couplehood was finally here for me. M is different and wonderful. But he doesn't want me. It is the same way all of my relationships end. He just told me I am not right for him.
So. I am alone. again.

I suck at being alone. But I also suck at relationships. So there you have it.

The tears keep coming. It is effecting my life and friendships. I know I have to figure this out and get better but I feel like I suck at life.

And... it's over.

That didn't take long at all. J called today to tell me we are over. We had a terrific first week. I was so happy and so confident that I met a good and perfect man for me. Obviously I decided that far to quickly, but we, or at least I can't control my heart and emotions. All I can do now is try to forget him and how quickly I fell for him.
This week has been completely dreadful. My perfect and sweet dog Toby died and it feels like my heart will never heal.
A friend just reminded me of resilience but I don't feel resilient at all. I feel broken and like the tears will never stop.
I will be brave and work on the knowledge that life can change in an instant. A week ago I was high as could be with happiness and thoughts of love.. This week I am lower than I can remember being. Maybe next week will bring something great.

F I N A L L Y

This single gal has met someone! Someone I really like! Hot Damn and Hallelujah! Life can change in an instant and patience does pay off.
SO, I am happily floating through the ephoria that is the early days of dating. "J" as I will refer to him in this blog has me floating through my days with a perpetual smile on my face.
We have only had two dates, but they have been perfect and comfortable and fun and easy going and full of laughing. When he kisses me my knees buckle. I love this feeling of not being able to wait to see him again.
I am getting ahead of myself as always. We barely know each other. But I don't care. When I click with someone I go for it. If I get hurt it will certainly suck but I think it is worth it. And based on my impression of him he isn't going to hurt me anyway.
Happy, Happy! Swoon, Swoon!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

This single gal has a date. A coffee date to be exact with a match from eharmony. I am expecting great things since now I have scientific matching on my side!
I have had few other dates lately so I am doing my part to get out there. I know he isn't going to just show up on my doorstep (although the UPS guy is kinda cute).
Fingers crossed and prayers put out there.

2011

So I have been thinking about goals for 2011. It is my last year in my 30s. Whoa. Hold the phone. What's that you say?

I have mixed emotions about turning 40 soon. Mostly I am fine with it and stick with a "you are only as old as you feel/act".

I would like to go into the next decade of my life in the best health and shape I possibly can. I also want to be my best spiritually and emotionally. Therefore, 2011 is going to include the following:

being more active at my home church.

more and varied exercise including abs and strength training.

eating exactly what I want... only less of it.

continuing to be the best nurse I can be. Learning more and connecting with patients each day.

having my heart as open as I can so I can hopefully find my true love.


**between now and the new year I am going to exercise as little as possible, drink too much and eat terribly.
just saying.

Never giving up

I have a date tonight. Gotta keep getting out there right? I have alot of specifics in my mind of what I am looking for... but I am trying to remain open minded so I can hopefully, one day find my mate.
Some of the things I would like to find in a man:


Slim build
Tall (or tall-ish)
a bit edgy and artistic (tattoos a plus)
kind
FUNNY
a person of faith
easygoing
easily entertained
optimistic
reponsible
someone who would like to have one child
someone with their own interests
someone I trust
someone who can express their feeling
someone who is good at giving affirmation (I need alot)

There is so many more things I would like to have. This list makes me seem very particular I know. I am very, very accepting and flexable so I know all of this may not be possible.

All I can do is try, try, try.

Thankful Thursday

My sweet dog Scrabl being so determined to sit in my lap he will take the tiny bit not taken up by my computer.

God being patient with me when I am distant.

That I only work 152 days per year.

That I have had a roommate for the past couple of months.

That life has seasons and something great is on the horizon.